Bathe in the rays of my blazing genius

I have had a selection of brilliant ideas recently, probably due to the large amount of free time I have had recently. It's amazing what not having to study for a Physics degree will do to your creative processes.

Firstly, in a dream, I read a label on a tin of food which read "80% vegan, 95% vegetarian and pescatarian". Brilliant. First class. A low meat content is a marketing nightmare. However, vegan food is supposedly healthy (though anyone coming into contact with vegans may want to dispute this). So, sell the food as mostly vegan.

Another brilliant idea came off the back of the brilliant and comical invention of the spork. It is fun to say and to use. It is a multi-purpose camping delight. On the other hand, I think there is a gap in the market for non-functioning cutlery combos. If anyone from MenKind reads this, I wish to sell you my idea of the Spife, Knork and Foon Set, a full set of entirely useless bits of cutlery.

The Spife: the business end of the device is elliptical, entirely flat and gently serrated around the edges. It has no useful piercing tip nor hollow for scooping things up. Using it for cutting will end in frustration due to a regular back-and-forth motion being made awkward by the presence of a steep curve.

The Knork: a knife-shaped item, lacking a cutting edge. Instead, it is pronged, with the prongs lying at ninety degrees to the handle. Trying to pick anything up using this item will lead to the user looking a little bit mental.

The Foon: arguably the most useful of the three, the foon is an anti-spork. It is square headed and gently curved, but lacks prongs. Not having any kind of wall, it will make a very ineffective scoop.

All three are mine in their current incarnation, as is the idea of selling them in a set. If you steal the idea, I will find you and my rage will hurt you. Knorks of course already exist, but as useful things. However, Fofe didn't sound or look right, and combining the three cutlery names then gives me Fofe, Knoon and Spork. And everyone knows what a spork is.

I also came up with the soup spork, and the tuning spork. The tuning spork is actually a lovely idea- its a spork which chimes at a particular frequency. I just need someone to make is a physical reality, and then I'm set.

So, friends. Cast down the shackles of more intellectual pursuits, and dedicate yourself to the magic of glorious invention. It's terribly good fun.

Pick a project (or two)

With the great summer holiday yawning out in front of me like the Grand Canyon, I'm terrified. For once in my life, there's not much at all I need to do, so I need to work on something extracurricular, something beneficial to me as a person, as opposed to me as a physics robot.

So what do I do? I have no idea. I'm going to try and renovate my dolls' house whilst training to become a Football Association referee, paint some pictures for my new flat whilst writing a novel and start a scrapbook whilst dabbling in getting a basic overview on all the world's religions.

I'm an obsessive learner and hobbyist. I can't help but try and accumulate skills, strings to my bow. Despite numerous internet searches, it seems that nobody has sought to pathologise this fear of idleness just yet, or to research why or in what individuals it tends to occur. Which is probably a good thing, seeing as I'd probably try and develop a working knowledge of that as well.

I can't stand being uneducated or incapable. I'd like to think that you could engage me in conversation on pretty much any topic, and I would come out of it not looking like a fool. Then again, though I try and justify my behaviour, there's no real thinking behind it most of the time. I just think "wouldn't it be good to try and write a novel about this?" and off I go.

I never find that the wheels on a project have come grinding to a halt- very little can stop me when I have something in mind. No, the only thing that will ever put a project to bed is the birth of a new, and therefore infinitely more exciting project.

There is no way on this earth that I am alone in this. Numerous fictional characters exhibit the same trait. Wallace, from Wallace and Gromit, starts every film having just established himself as the local pest control officer or window washer or cheese-seeking astronaut, and is accompanied by various impressive, yet clearly half-baked contraptions.

Wallace is a jack of all trades. A cruel man would also call him a master of none.

Mastery is tricky to define. To call yourself a master is a tall order, and can be done through the acquisition of formal qualifications or to earn your living in that fashion. For us eager amateurs, though, it's a rocky road. To be an amateur used to be an admirable thing. It means "lover". We love what we do. Over the years though, it acquired a sting. A sting which meant amateurs aren't good enough.

I am a jack of all trades, and I am the master of my art. I am engrossing, and powerful in my ways. I am a trier, and never accept failure. In fact, I would go so far to say that any person who dismisses the work of an amateur dismisses their own abilities far more.

When you sneer and call someone amateurish, you spit in the face of their attempts to better themself. Nobody starts out a master. And nobody will end up a master without dabbling a little.

Incidentally, as a final, and appropriately off-topic, word: to all those who commended the Ukranian officials for stripping the England brass band of their instruments, shame on you. They may not be good. They may only know one song. However, they're different, and special to us. If you want to sound like every other awful team in Europe, go on. But we don't have the lungs or the spirit of the Dutch or the Irish. We do pomp and ceremony and delusions of grandeur and for that, we need brass.

The Joys of Working Life

I'm bored. The main reason I am bored is because I have not only finished doing my accounts, I have finished doing a full 12-month budget, planning in everything from the January sales to the inexplicable desire for stationery that seems to set in around mid-November.

As you can tell from the fact I was doing my accounts, I was actually quite bored before that. Another side effect of my boredom is that I have become quite addicted to tea. I can't cope without it. When I have it, I clutch it to my chest like a boiling hot child. When it cools, I drink it. Once I've drunk it, I miss it. Then I wait until nobody's looking, stick the kettle on, and the cycle starts again. The reason I'm waiting until nobody's looking is because it's polite to ask everyone else for a cup of tea. But if I ask everyone if they want a cup of tea eight times a day, they're going to notice that I, unchecked, would drink eight cups of tea a day.

When I'm not drinking tea, I'm looking at the news, but even that's gotten boring. I only noticed after I started Newstastic, but nothing's happening at all. I'm not saying don't read this week's delicious article... oh! I forgot! I haven't told you yet.

Yes! Big News! Sachtastic is no longer alone. Well, I am, but I'm branching out. I've already told you about Newstastic, my Thursdaily news blog, where I do the news as it were. Then there's the Tuesdaily artstastic blog, where I do all my reviews and things. This actually launched on Wednesday with a review of Four Lions, but Tuesday is when it's supposed to happen Finally there's the Wednesdaily Moneytastic, which sees me voice my unqualified opinions on how to save yourself money. With the latter more than anything I'm happy to see people's opinions, so for Pete's sake email me regarding your own thrifty tips or money mistakes.


Even more finally, there's Unitastic, which I won't link you to, because although there is a page, there are no posts. My idea is it's a uni life blog, which considering I'm going to be working my stripy socks off (or 10 denier tights these days), will probably be about other people's uni lives. This will be launching in time for Freshers'. See you then.